Here is some stuff to amuse you… Warning some of the jokes i.e. may offend you, so if you are offended by adult jokes, do not read them. You have been warned, if anyone mails me to tell me that they are offended then they can kiss my arse!
Lines for Samuel Jackson if were to start in Star Wars.
Things you shouldn't do in space shuttle, while in orbit!
Inventive ways to order a pizza by phone.
1. OWN BLANKET
A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."
2.SCARE ME?
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (Hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
3. CLAMDIGGER
Young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
4. HIS ASHES
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...ooh.... I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
5. SUCK CHOCOLATE
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
6. ANSWER IRON
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
7. STEWED TOMATOES
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."
8. FAT SLOB
A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
9. TWO EARS $25,000
A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."
10. QUALITY CONTROL
How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?
11. TOUGH TO PEEL
He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel.
12. FIRST CHILD
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labour!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
13. HOLY WATER
You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.
14. GOT A DRIVER
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realises he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared OT death. He says, "What the heck's going' on? We're down here having' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guy's got a *driver. *"
15. HAPPY PIT BULL
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
16. OUTRUN YOU
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear... I only have to outrun *you.*"
17. SHELLFISH
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.
18. ATE MY SOCKS
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Katy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
19. 50,40,30
A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
20. SHORT RUNWAY
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."
21. GOT A MATCH?
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
22. YOUR CAT, TOO
It's Christmas Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's Christmas Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is *killing* me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "It's none of your damn business! And if you be giving' me a hard time, I'll be breaking yer face!" A mouse pops out of Kelly's shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your stupid *cat* , too!"
23. THERMOS
A guy walks into Dunking' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
24. SPOT
What'd the really stupid guy name his pet zebra? "Spot."
25. WALK AROUND WORLD
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
26. AIRPORT
Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport? He's the one throwing bread to the planes.
27. PUT UP SCREENS
Two guys are in a submarine. The first guy says, "Man, what are all these fish doing in here?" The other guy says, "I don't know. Maybe we should put up some screens."
28. QUIET PLACE
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
29. TRUE-FALSE
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
*Might be stretching it a little
1.Drink coaster
2.Door stopper (use multiple disks)
3.Ice scrapper
4.Shower tile
5.Place holder in a book
6.Mini Frisbee
7.Air hockey puck
8.Dog chew toy
9.Fly swatter (tape it to a long stick)
10.Dart board
11.Boot Disk (Neon green disk only)
12.Joke disk (Pull out the inside)
13.Pooper scooper
14.Grille scraper
15.Use them for Karate (save a tree)
16.Wrist Slicer -after receiving first AOL bill!
17.Wallpaper or wallpaper border
19.Toy for an 18 month old
20.Fat-free snack (not very satisfying though)
21.Destroy them (to relieve stress)
22.Prop up uneven table or chair legs
23.Light switch cover (panel)
24.Disk house (like a card house)
25.Chinesse throwing stars (tape 2 together)
26.Greeting card (bind two together at one end)
27.Halloween Treat (give them away all night long)
28.Bullet proof vest
29.Paper weights
30.Pen holders (make a box without a top)
31.Post it-notes holder
32.Refigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back)
33.Money clip (pop off metal door-throw away rest)
34.Solar Eclipse Glasses (move metal door, and look though disk)
35.Eye patch (aye' maties!)
36.G-string (Bay Watch-watch out!)
37.Christmas Ornaments (the more the merrier!)
38.Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list)
39.Hand them out as party favours.
40.Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
41.Be an AOL diskette surgeon and dissect a diskette.
42.Warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
43.House insulation.
44.The "toys for tots" program.
45.Hockey Puck (rubber band a few together)
1. Patient:It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor:Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient:I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."
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2."My doctor told me to take something for my cold."
"What did you take"
"His Coat!"
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3.Wife:Doctor my husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor:Don't worry I can cure him.
Wife:I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.
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4.Bob to X-ray technician after swollowing some money:"Do you see any change in me?"
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5.Nurse: Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?
Doctor:Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
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6.Did you hear about the Siamese twins? Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.
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7. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
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8. A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits
."All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
Below are things said by lawyers, during cases.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in
most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about
it until the next morning?
What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, sir.
And did you take your new wife?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognise that picture.
That's me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Yes.
What were you doing at that time?
Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol
content?
I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with
flame ionization detectors.
Judge: Can you get that on mag wheels?
Only on the floor models.
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Oral.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Brown?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
What do you call a pakki with an I. Q. of 50?
Clever.
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What do you call a pakki who has gone bad?
A pakki.
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What's the difference between a pakki and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a pakki!
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What do you call 5000 dead pakkis at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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How can you tell when a pakki is lying?
His lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead pakki in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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How many pakkis does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
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What do have when a pakki is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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How do you get a pakki out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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How do you stop a pakki from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of pakkis goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
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How many pakkis does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and two pakkis in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
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Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of pakkis?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
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Why is it that many pakkis have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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Where can you find a good pakki?
In the cemetery.
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Why did the post office recall the new pakki stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
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What is the ideal weight of a pakki?
About three pounds, including the urn.
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What do you do, if you see a pakki standing in the middle of the road, full of holes?
Stop laughing and reload.
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How do you stop a pakki from drowning?
Take your foot of his head
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What happens when you drop an A-bomb on pakki land, nothing they're all in England.
You are no longer beneath my contempt.
Her underarms are so hairy, she looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.
That boy's about as sharp as the leading edge of a BB.
(You are so stupid) you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom of the heel.
Even though some have b-days that do not fall on April 1 are still fools.
This one translates very badly into english, but it might translate well in other languages: Hij is zo handig; wat zijn ogen zien, dat maken zijn handen kapot (He is so skilled; what his eyes see, his hands make broken)
When something went wrong with someone else, say this to calm him/her: That can happen to anyone, but it happens to the stupidest first.
When you and your momma had an argument, it was a battle of the wits...Nit versus Dim. Then your dad joined, and it was Nit versus Dim verses Half.
I hope your face ends up on a milk carton.
If I had a brother like you, I'd put myself up for adoption.
You remind me of opium, a slow working dope.
I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to animals.
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.
When god was handing out brains, you must have been holding the door.
You say you can't climb plastic walls? how did you get out of the abortion bucket then?
If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his ass and walk him backwards.
The best part of you ran down your own man's leg.
Wow! You're a legend in your own mind!
You're half a genius - an IQ of 75.
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!
Nice face...want a gun?
There's two things I really hate about you: your face!
When you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go to bed with it only half done.
Your so dull, you can't even cut a fart.
You're so weak you couldn't pull a greasy stick out of a dog's arse.
When I want your opinion, I'll rattle your cage!
I'd smack the shit out of you if I didn't think it would fill up the room
If I want any shit from you I'll squeeze your head
May your bollocks turn cubical and fester at the corners.
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly!
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse- it'll be a great trade!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
Department of Redundancy Department
90% of all statistics are made up.
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Clones are people two.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Geez if you believe in honkus.
He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
We are all prawns in the game of life.
PARKING VIOLATION
This is not a ticket, but if it were within my power, you would receive two. Because of your bull-headed, inconsiderate, feeble attempt at parking, you have taken enough room for a 20-mule team, two elephants, one goat, and a safari of pygmies from the African Interior. The reason for giving you this, is so that in the future you may think of someone else, other than yourself. Besides I don't like domineering, egotistical or simple-minded drivers and you probably fit into one of these categories. I sign off wishing you an early transmission failure (on the expressway at about 4:30 p.m.) Also may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS
Welcome to my pick-up lines section! You're gonna find some wicked funny pick-up lines on this page as well as some pick-up lines that might actually work for getting a date! Check it out.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Wow! Are those real?
If you stood infront of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
Most people like to watch the (i.e. World Cup, Stanley Cup, Superbowl, NBA playoffs, etc..) cuz it only happens once a year/every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone like you only happens once in a lifetime.
Did it hurt? (What?) When you fell from heaven ... Did it hurt?
Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!
Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! Well in that case, D'ya wanna do lunch?
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
If I let you suck on my tongue would you be greatful?
True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
Nice Shoes. Wanna fuck?
Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
Fuck me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Pocahontus?
Hey babe, how about a pizza and some sex? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, you don't like pizza?
I'm going to have sex with you tonight no matter what so you might as well be there.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Can I flirt with you?
I admit, I'm kind of a geek by day ... But I'm a sex machine by night!
You have been very naughty! Go to my room!
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?
Be unique and different, say yes.
You make me so nervous and flustered, I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line.
I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What is a slutty girl like you doing in a classy place like this? OOPS! I mean, what is nice girl like you doing in a dump like this? (Phew)
Hi, my name's {name}. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!
My name is {name}, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me.
He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look really fat in those pants!
He : Hey Baby ... Wanna dance?
She : No.
He : Oh, C'mon! Lower you're standards a little. I did...
He : Hey, Stop!
She : What?
He : You're undressing me with your eyes... I know you're doing it. STOP!
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Rebuttals to Pick-Up Lines
He: I'd really like to get into your pants.
She: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.
He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
He: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
She: It's in the phone book.
He: But I don't know your name.
She: That's in the phone book too.
A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
After hearing a pick-up line: I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
Lines for Samuel L Jackson, if he were to star in Star Wars
Samuel L. Jackson will play Jedi Master Mace Windu in the upcoming Star Wars Prequel.
You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.
If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
Feel the Force, motherfucker.
What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker."
What Computer Acronyms Really Mean
PCMCIA People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE.
TIME IS WHAT KEEPS EVERYTHING FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION.
YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT
IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT?
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT.
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART"
MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
I SMILE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH.
VERY FUNNY SCOTTY. NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES.
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T
WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD?
EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK.
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.
"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.
Things you shouldn't do in a space shuttle, while in orbit!!!
Open a window for some fresh air.
Suddenly remember that the airlock door is supposed to stay closed.
Play "light the bonfire" with the emergency supplies.
Walk the dog.
While in deep space, explain in detail, the concept of black holes.
Reinvent landing procedures.
Install windscreen wipers, because hey, you never know.
Conveniently tear a hole in the ship’s hull.
Discuss last night’s episode of "Lost in Space".
Open the oxygen tanks to see if there really is oxygen inside.
Use the ship’s rocket engines to cook up a meal.
In an intensely silent moment yell "My God! The door!"
Replace the cooling fluid with vodka.
Smuggle a pack of hyenas into the cargo compartment.
Press the big red button
Ask one of your female companions what she’s wearing under her suit.
Introduce pig lassoing at recreation time.
Radio "Houston, we got a problem" just for the hell of it.
Forget to wear your seatbelt.
Bring your own grog.
Use the control panel as a drum kit.
Five seconds before launch, announce the disturbing fact that you’re not wearing a spacesuit.
Try to invent hyperdrive.
Decide that the oxygen tanks could use a little helium.
Ask what the in-flight movie is.
Invite the family along.
Practice reverse parking in the escape pod.
100 Inventive ways to order a pizza by phone!!!
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Stutter on the letter "p."
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
Rent a pizza.
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
Play a sitar in the background.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask to see a menu.
Quote Carl Sandberg.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Try to talk while drinking something.
Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Put them on hold.
Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order term life insurance.
When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Order a steamed pizza.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...
...Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
What is the speed of dark?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
If builders are afraid to have a 13th floor, then why aren't book publishers afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
That’s it for now, I hope you had fun, well if not then go and buy yourself a sense of humour…